Sex, Relationship and Intimacy Myths with Gretchen Shanks

Gretchen Shanks is a sex & dating coach who helps her clients get the pleasure, sensuality, connection, and love that they deserve. In our conversation today, we'll talk about her story and her work.

Gretchen's work around relationships and sex is more than just pleasure. A lot of what Gretchen works on with her clients is unwinding the shame, frustration, and shoulds around body image, relationships, and sexuality.

There are lots of types of pleasure that aren't necessarily sexual, but by finding different ways to bring more pleasure into life you can change the way you show up in your life. 

Get your copy of Gretchen's Sexual Experience Checklist: https://gretchenshanks.com/checklist/

Transcript

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Welcome back to a Magical Life. I'm your host, magic Barclay, and today Gretchen Shanks joins us. Gretchen is a Seattle based sex and dating coach certified in the Somatica Method, Which is an experiential and relational approach to coaching grounded in the body. She came to this after confronting and tackling her own struggles with body image dating and shame about her sexuality. I. Now she gets great satisfaction helping others untangle the knots of socialization, shame, and uncertainty to find the truest expressions of their erotic and relational nature, and to learn the skills, to have the kind of intimate life they've always desired. Welcome Gretchen. Thank you. I'm excited to be here with you. And look, we don't have people talking about sex and intimacy on here very often, so this should be interesting. Good. Well, I love talking about it, so, perfect. Perfect. Great. Now look, I ask all of our guests the same three questions. Everyone gives me such amazingly different answers. I love it. So here comes the first one for you. Okay. What can your expertise do to accelerate health, not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual health? Sure. so my work, yes, it's focused on navigating, intimacy, sex dating relationships, but ultimately the ways that we really get at that are through learning to love ourselves as we are today. Kind of owning that, celebrating that, getting more comfortable in our bodies, more in tuned with our erotic natures and desires. And usually so many of us walk around steeped in shame around the like, I, you know, I can speak from personal experience on this. dealt with so much body shame and shame about my sexuality, and frustration in trying to navigate dating and intimacy that caused an incredible amount of stress in my life. And, uh, Signing my way through that, learning to love me as I am today. Yes, I still have lots of area of growth. I still sometimes eat too much or all, you know, have the bad habits. but I've learned to, to be in my body and love my body as it is. And that just freed up so much mental and physical and emotional energy that was caught in cycles of shame and hiding and stress and sort of, uh, like dysregulated nervous system, all of those things. So when we. Come to really embrace who we are in these areas of our lives. Honestly, like it just, it freed up so much that, like my work isn't directly health related and yet it feels fairly, intrinsically related at the same time, if that makes sense. That it does. Now, look, we also talk about wealth here, and people think that's just financial wealth, but you can also have personal and emotional wealth. So what are your top three tips to creating any wealth? Well, so yeah, I think of wealth as abundance, right? and it's interesting. Top three tips for creating wealth or abundance. I think getting in tune with what your actual desires are. I. so often sort of we are caught up in a knot of shoulds. We're inundated in cultures with what our lives should look like, how relationships should be structured, what kind of sex is acceptable, what's not. and I think when we can get clear on what our actual hearts desires are. Name those and embrace those. We open ourselves up to wealth and abundance of various sorts. So that's sort of one that immediately comes to mind for me. another is to understand our core wounds and how those core wounds affect. Our instinctual response patterns for how we are in relationship or how we move through the world and understand the world. because so often the ways that we move through the world are steeped in how we learn to survive and keep ourselves psychologically whole from a young age. and when we try and step outside of those response patterns, our nervous systems start to, freak out a little bit because they're not what we're used to. And I think when we can learn to recognize those patterns and in safe spaces and in ways that feel supported to take actions that shift. Those survival patterns, in, in an informed way, especially around our nervous system, with tools to support us doing that, we open ourselves up again to so much wealth and abundance, because so often our brains are constantly scanning our environment to keep us safe. and that often translates into keeping us small. Right. So yeah, there's a whole pathway there, I think, as sort of tip number two and number three is pleasure. there's so many different ways of experiencing all forms of pleasure. You know, as a sex and dating coach, when I say that, people assume I'm talking, about sexual pleasure. And yes, that's one realm that is a juicy and fun, but you know, we have lots of different senses and there are so many big ways in small ways where we can bring in more pleasure into our lives. And when we can do that and we can make that more of a habit, it shifts our energy, it shifts how we show up, and it shifts, I think, what we're open to and what comes to us. So bringing in more pleasure, it would be the third, some interesting points there. And uh, look, we do talk about weight loss as well. Many people have. Battled their weight. Mm-hmm. And might be on the rollercoaster of body image issues. Uh, what would you want to say to the listeners who maybe are still battling with their weight? Mm-hmm. But they're just not feeling sexy in their own body? I. Sure. Yeah. I mean, this is a big one, right? I think, uh, we're, so many of us struggle with this, myself included. and some things that come to mind that I wanna say is one, it's sometimes getting to a sense of neutrality rather than. Feeling like you always have to celebrate it. and the other is, so I have struggled off and on over the years with my body image and my weight has fluctuated over the years. Ironically, of course, when I felt the worst about my body, I was actually at my smallest. Once I learned to connect and be in my body and find pleasure in it and learn what it likes, what it doesn't like, and how to ask for that, I started to let go of. The influence of weight on my ability to feel sexy doesn't mean I don't struggle. I still do, but I have, I know how to get myself back to that feeling of sexiness and it doesn't, I. It's not influenced by what I see in the mirror necessarily, or the weight that's on the scale. It's influenced by my ability to be present for and experience pleasure. Um, and, and sometimes it is influenced by what I see in the mirror, but not because I'm thinner, but because I, I. A common exercise I do with clients is some mirror work where we stand in front of the mirror and instead of focusing on the things that we don't like about our body, we tell the story of our bodies from the perspective of celebrating it. What do I like? What am I thankful for with my body and building from there. So I don't know if that fully answers your question, but that's some of the immediate thoughts it does. Now look. There's a couple of things we mentioned off air. You were talking about mismatched libido, and I think this can be quite an issue. I. In many people's relationships. I know I recently had a relationship where that was the case and you know, one wanted more pleasure than the other. So I think this is something important that we need to talk about. What can you tell the listeners about how to deal with a mismatched libido? yeah. So this is unfortunately a fairly common, challenge that relationships experience, especially longer term relationships. and I think the first thing that I share with people is that it is common that it doesn't mean you or your partner or your relationship is broken. you know, the sort of romantic myth that permeates many cultures is that sex is like, happens spontaneously. It's always hot and easy and, and natural. And if it lags, if you have to work at it, that that means something's wrong. Their relationship and then that's just not true. These are, there are natural rhythms that relationships go through and people have different level, like libidos settle around different levels. So the first thing to know is that it's really incredibly common and neither one of you is wrong for where you're at. One of the challenges with it is that a couple caught in a mismatched libido dynamic. And that often there's one, the person who is wanting it more can feel wrong or broken, like there's something wrong with them if they want it so often, like they're hypersexualized or, there's something that's just wrong with them, that they want it so often and the person who, they're always having to beg for it, it feels like. and they're feeling constantly rejected because they're hearing a no so often. or that they're pressuring their partner. And on the flip side, the lower libido partner, is feeling like they're being objectified often. Like I, I am working with a client right now who's in this dynamic in their, their primary partnership and the lower libido partner feels like, they are only wanted, and they've gotten to the point now that even though they're in a seven year relationship, they've gone through so many things together. She's feeling like. That's the only thing he's interested in, because they're caught in this vortex. And so the, the second thing, one, it's incredibly common that you're often in a dynamic that's sort of caught in this vortex. And so the first step is to take a pause. And slow down. a homework, uh, sort of an advice or a an exercise I give many clients is to take sex off the table for a period of time and get back. And when, and I give different exercises and guidance around this, but get back to connection and, uh, sensual exploring sensuality without the expectation of sex. Another thing I like to make sure folks are knowing, is that their arousal is their own responsibility. That their partner is neither responsible to get them aroused nor to satisfy that arousal or desire. and to explore ways that you can experience and celebrate your eroticism, even when your partner. isn't interested in say, penetrative sex. And one of the things we might explore related to that is, are there ways that you can engage and assist that isn't onerous on the lower libido partner? Isn't feeling like an obligation but helps. be in some of that sexy energy without the need to actually have sex. So there are different techniques and ways to, to sort of explore that. so that's what comes to mind immediately. And the other thing I wanted to discuss was common myths in sex and relationships. You know, I think we, we hear so much. It's bombarding us everywhere. You know, advertising is all about selling sex. So what are some common myths that maybe you've come across with your clients that you've had to correct their ideas? I. Yeah, so there's, there's a lot of'em. you know, and I kind of just referenced, uh, one or two of them. one is that it's my partner's responsibility to turn me on, or it's my partner's responsibility to give me an orgasm, or particularly if you're socialized masculine, that it's my responsibility to give you an orgasm that your orgasms are sort of, Like. a measure of my masculinity and sexual prowess and, it really disempowers each person tho those set of myths. So wherever possible, I try and deconstruct them and, and help people find their own agency, uh, around their sexuality. you know, and there's a whole host of myths about, how relationships. Should be structured, that monogamy is, what everyone should experience or want or be in, that I. you know, different kinks. I do a lot of, work with clients around, exploring and embracing their kinky sexual sides. We can have a lot of misconceptions about what different desires mean. yeah, there's just, it's almost endless. are there any that come to mind for you or that you've come across just in, in your day to day or talking to other, other folks on your podcast? I think a common one is that you have to be beautiful to whoever's looking at you. I think that's a really common myth. And you know, something I talk about on the podcast is it only matters that you are beautiful to you. Yeah. Or that beautiful looks a certain way that beauty and, and sexiness looks a certain way, is a certain size or certain dimensions. and I've had the opportunity to explore different kinds of sexual communities and one of the most beautiful things I've seen is how much genuine pleasure. there is that all different body sizes experience. and it's really, it's a really beautiful thing and absolutely counters. I think that myth that you, that you talked about there. Exactly right. And I think, you know, another myth I've come across is that people who might not be flexible or able bodied or something like that, you know, often told by society, well, you don't deserve pleasure, sexual pleasure. And I think that's something that everyone can have no matter their ability. What are your thoughts on that? Oh, I love this one. A hundred percent agree. A hundred percent. and it, it reminded me of another one that's kind of related, which is that sex equals penis and vagina intercourse. So, That that is sex. And what I love working like that has benefited my, life so much and that I love to explore with clients is that, sex can look so many different ways and it's ultimately about pleasure. Being in pleasure with yourself, with your partner, that you don't need a certain degree of, of flexibility or able, like able bodiedness, that people can experience energetic pleasure, through an energetic connection that all different parts of our bodies can bring us pleasure. There's, there's actually research that shows that, individuals who are couples who have a broader definition of sex report higher degrees of satisfaction with their intimate life. And I think that speaks to the myth that you were just talking about, right? Because if, if we have a broader, a more expansive view of what is sex and a focus on pleasure over a particular type or way of getting to an orgasm, it gives us so many more avenues for this side of our life, for experiencing it, for realizing it. Regardless of size, of flexibility, of ability or disability. And I think, you know, many people think of sex just as the physical act. Mm-hmm. But it's really seduction and intimacy. I mean, many, many forms. And for some people maybe the physical act isn't. Where they feel the most intimacy. Might just even be, you know, your partner holding your hand or stroking your hair or you know, doing something. I think we really do need to look at our languages of, of love and yeah, you know, what is intimate to you? What sparks that? Because the sexual physical act is often. The end of the game, you know, how are you playing the game along the way? So can you talk a little bit about other forms of intimacy? Yeah, I mean, that goes to, like I said, this idea that, that sex is about far more than, the physical act of, of intercourse. I can't remember who originally said this, but I love this idea that your next. Sexual encounter with someone begins after the last one ended. That it's not just about when you get naked together and put body parts and body parts that it's about the intimacy and the erotic energy that you, build and maintain in between Those events, those sexual encounters and depending on each individual and what their preferences are, right? But are you touching, without an expectation that it's immediately going to lead to sex? Uh, how are you talking to each other and sharing things that matter? with your partners, are you sharing fantasies? Are you cuddling? And, and if this is something again that appeals, not everyone loves to cuddle, right? It's finding what are the ways that help you feel seen and connected to and desired? By your partner, and are you incorporating those things into more of your day to day and not just waiting until you've collectively decided that tonight or today we're having sex? that's what sustains a long-term sexual connection, far more than anything else. Exactly. Right. And that's actually why my last relationship broke up. it just wasn't, there was no contact. I. Like no texting, no chat between dates. And I was like, well, we don't need an occasion and to go somewhere to be intimate. My love languages are acts of service and physical touch. Well, I was only getting physical touch when we were on a date and acts of service. Like if you say you're going to do something right, I'm not asking for a slave. But if you say you're gonna do something, do it because Right. That is intimate to me. Yeah, and so the, the not having any contact between, you know, organizing dates was just such a turnoff. And I think many people out there, maybe, you know, that's something that we need to, to tell the listeners is you have to put the work in. Find out what the love language is, find out more about your partner, and if it, it's just a text of, Hey, how was your day? Right? How might it be enough to keep intimacy flowing? You know, and this, this speaks to another myth, which is that, if they loved me or if they were really the one, or if we were really attuned, I wouldn't have to ask for the thing. And if I have to ask for the thing, it doesn't count. So, you know, unfortunately, so many people, they can be in a similar dynamic to what you described. And what they really need is even just an, like you say, an occasional text. But they never ask for it. I'm not saying that you did right, but like I've talked to so many people where they've struggled in similar dynamics. They're like, I just even needed a simple text. And I'm like, well, did you know? Do they know this? Did you ask for this? And what I get back in responses like, well, no, if I ask them and, and they do it, it's just out of obligation. And that doesn't count. When it really still, you have to teach people how to treat you. You absolutely have to teach people how to love you and, and take care of you. And if they go to the effort of setting the reminder to send you the text, because it's what helps you feel cared for, that is an incredible act of service. But unfortunately, there's this myth that, that it should be spontaneous. And if it is and it doesn't count. so yeah, I, I love this topic. Love it. Very much so, and in my experience, I actually said, if you don't just text me, Hey, how was your day? I'm gonna lose interest and walk away. And that's exactly what happened. Beautiful. I mean, I hate that that lady couldn't show up for you in that way, but I love that you know that about yourself, that you voiced it and you took care of yourself through that, right? Because the next person will do that for you or the person after that. Um, This is where, you know, sometimes I think one of the things that people do too quickly when they're dating is consolidate onto one person before figuring out whether or not there's compatibility around some of these things, right? For some people, a text every day would be too much. So like finding the person that that has the needs that you feel good about meeting in the ways that they want them is part of what dating is for. Totally. I think it comes down to communication really, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. it sounds like cliche, but it really does. at the end of the day, whether it's about how we can feel, um, connected to someone or what we want when we are having sex, how we like to be touched, or how we don't wanna be touched. Again, it comes down to using your words. At the end of the day, and a lot of people feel, again, they feel like if I have to ask for it, then there's something wrong in our connection, especially around sex. People think that if you talk about it, you're killing the mood. And you're not, you're not at all one. There are ways, and it's something I end up, uh, working with clients on quite a bit. There are ways to ask for what you want when you're being intimate, while staying in a sexy, uh, erotic energy. And if in the end, the conversation does break the mood, you can absolutely get it back. but it's, it's a struggle for people because they really feel like if I have to, like voicing kills the mood and also it doesn't, somehow, it means there's something wrong with our connection if they don't just get me that the sex isn't, doesn't count or something. It's, it's a, a really, it's just, it's a, it's an entrenched myth around intimacy that I love breaking whenever possible, busting up that myth. I love that. Now, is there something that we haven't discussed today that maybe you feel the listeners need to hear? the one thing I would say is, especially if like talking about these things, asking for what you want, trying to learn what your partner's wants or needs, whether that's insect itself, I. Or in connection, overall that it's gonna, if you're, if you're not accustomed to it, it is going to feel awkward at first. And that's okay. Learn to laugh about it. Learn to, I mean, I. Especially when it comes to sex bodies are weird. They do weird things sometimes. It just helps to be able to laugh at yourself through those awkward moments and know all the things get easier when you practice them and get more experience with them. Great. Now, Gretchen, we love freebies here. What can you offer the listeners and where can I find that? Well, I have, a resource that I love to hand out for folks that are curious, that are thinking about trying to do some, sexual exploration, whether it's, just generally on their own or to spice things up or kind of shift things up out of our routines in an existing relationship. But often people are kinda like, I wanna do this, but I have no idea where to start. I don't even know what's possible, what's out there. Um, and so I offer a resource on my website, um, that is a variation of a yes no maybe checklist that lists all different sorts Of ideas about ways that you can play differently or what you can incorporate into your sex life and provides a structure for it where you can kind of go through and be like, yes, I've done this and I know I want more, or I know, I don't know, or I've never done it, but I'm kind of curious. So it's a, maybe I call it a sexual exploration checklist and it's on my website. At Gretchen shanks.com/checklist. Great. Thank you so much for joining us today, Gretchen. It's sort of been a, a topic we don't discuss often, but I'm glad that we have. I. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me and for being open to this topic. Uh, honestly, the more that we can get comfortable talking about it, the better off we'll all be. I think so often it's just shrouded and mystery and shame, and so the more open conversations we have in different places, I feel like we're moving in the right direction. So thank you for giving me this opportunity. My pleasure. And listeners, if there is something else that we don't discuss often and you want to hear about it, please jump onto our Facebook page at a Magical Life podcast and let us know what you wanna hear. If you wanna hear more from Gretchen, let us know. We'll get back in touch with her. This is your podcast. These are your ears that we're bringing the information to listeners. For now. Thank you for your time. Go forth and create your magical life.