Discover Your Sexuality, Libido and Self with Heather Shannon

Today I'll visit with Heather Shannon about how to really align with who they truly are. Sexuality is deeply linked to our deepest selves and desires and our work, leisure, and relationships are all connected.

Heather Shannon is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist who helps queer, kinky and/or non-monogamous people explore who they are as sexual beings and how they want to show up in their relationships. In private practice since 2011, she’s helped thousands of clients experience more freedom and authenticity in their sex lives than ever before. 

Heather has her Master’s in Counseling from Loyola University Chicago, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and has a Certificate in Sexual Health from the University of Michigan. Additionally, she is trained as an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, Shambhala Meditation Guide, and Integrative Health Coach. Drawing upon her holistic training, she tailors her work to each client and offers an intersectional approach factoring in their unique background and life experiences.

Heather serves as a Sex and Relationship “Pro” for the Peanut, a social media app that serves over 2.5M women. Each month, she answers user questions on everything from threesomes to low libidos. Heather has been featured in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health and Self Magazine as well as on podcasts like The Horny Housewife, Curious Girl Diaries and The Multi-Orgasmic Millionaire. She lives in St. Petersburg, FL.

https://heathershannon.co/freebies/

Transcript

1:00

Welcome back to a Magical Life. I'm your host Magic Barclay today. Heather Shannon's joining us. Heather is a sex coach who helps sex and gender diverse clients transform how they feel about their sexuality and achieve deeper intimacy in their relationships. Her approach focuses on what is authentic for the client. Rather than any one size fits all method, Heather is a licensed clinical professional counselor, certified sex therapist, internal family systems therapist, meditation guide, and holistic health coach. Welcome, Heather. Thank you. Magic. I'm happy to be here with you and your awesome audience. Thank you. Now. Wow, that is quite a little bio there. We'll get into that in just a moment. But I ask all of my guests three questions. Okay. And everyone gives me such diverse answers that, you know, it's quite amazing and I'm kind of intrigued how you're going to answer these. So, okay, let's. What can your expertise do to accelerate health, not just physical health, but also emotional and spiritual health? Yeah. I love that question and the way that I work with people about their sexuality is very much about being in alignment with who they really are. So I don't really have an agenda for people, you know, with how I think their sex lives should be. It's much more about helping them discover that, And I do that through a variety of different ways. You know, one of the things you mentioned in my bio is internal family systems, and that's a method that involves some talking, but it's not your traditional talk therapy. it's much more about tuning inward and feeling that, you know, like inner energy, um, and different parts and aspects of ourselves that can be. Trying to serve us. You know, there's a good intention there, but sometimes maybe getting in the way of us truly feeling an alignment. So there's a lot of tuning inward, there's a lot of scanning the body and you know, checking in with our emotional state and honoring that and getting curious about that. Cool. Now we talk about wealth here and we think often that wealth is just financial, but it can also be personal and emotional wealth. And I'm gonna throw another one in here just for you. And that is our sexual wealth. So when we, yeah, discover our sexuality and our. Intimacy. Yeah. Love languages. Like all of this, what we need, what we desire that can create wealth. So what are your top three tips to creating wealth? Yeah, I love that. And thank you for customizing the question to me. I do think that our relationships are such a huge element of wealth. certainly finances and money is great and I'm all about, you know, abundance in that area. But I'll focus more on relationships since that's more my area of expertise anyways. I would say creating more wealth in terms of relationships it's a lot about what you're putting out there. I think it can be really, I. Easy to kind of be like, you know, well my friends aren't showing up for me or this, or that's not going right. But when we really focus on like being the friend we wanna be, or being the partner we wanna be, or being the family member that, you know, we wanna be and showing up as our best selves, then I think the rest of it kind of takes care of itself on a lot of levels. So I think just being willing to do that inner work and I guess in order to do this inner work. So this will be my second tip. We have to kind of make sure we're filling up our own love tank, so to speak. So I notice that, you know, I do my best work, I have my most to give in relationships when my love tank is full. So it, it can be showing myself love by, you know, going on a walk, just getting outside, getting some sunlight. You know, it doesn't have to be fancy stuff. by taking some time to feel my feelings. that one is just, Like, so essential. and I think it's something that we're still really missing in our culture. and even though I dedicate my life basically to helping people, you know, feel their feelings and improve their intimacy and relationships, um, I, you know, I still forget sometimes, you know, yesterday I was like invalidating my own emotions. So I think honoring, being willing to feel, validating our own emotions, taking that time and not just kind of go, go, go do, do, do. Like I have all the, these things on my checklist, you know, that I gotta get done, but like allowing that spaciousness can really help with our love tank being full. And I think allowing the emotions is a really important form of self care. And then, I would say the third piece in terms of, you know, wealth in terms of our relationships is, investing in personal development. You know, it's like, We're not taught this stuff in school, we really have to seek out information and resources. So that could look like going to a relationship workshop that could look like reading some articles about relationships. obviously if people are listening to this podcast or already kind of on board with the personal growth and the relationship and sexuality area. So I think it's just seeking out information, kind of staying humble in that regard. Even though this is my career, like I will never be done learning in this area. And that's part of what keeps it kind of interesting. So I think it's an amazing growth path, in terms of personal development and helping us to become our best self. And I think it's just gonna really allow us to show up as that best self in relationships and to attract the highest quality relationships that we can. Wow. Cool answer. Loving it. Thanks. Now we talk about weight loss here as well. Many people find that they're on the weight loss or weight gain journey. Something that I've learned through my own journey is that it can be a loss of relationship with self. So have you ever battled your weight? If so, what was the trigger to winning the battle? And second part of the question, what can you offer the listeners around that reconnection to their body and that everything is okay? Wow, these are great questions. yeah, so I've had quite the journey with, weight and body, and I will not profess to have all the answers in this area, but I think I have a few. in high school I struggled with binge eating disorder. so that's when I kind of first found therapy for myself. It was great in the sense that I was able to actually look at relationships and look at some codependency and patterns within my family that like I would not have been aware of otherwise. and to see that there's actually that connection oftentimes between our relationships and how we feel in our body and how we relate to food. But it was painful, certainly very painful, to go through. And, you know, throughout the years I've lost weight and I've gained weight and I've been different sizes. I think what that's done for me in a unique way is actually helped my body image. Um, that might not be most people's experience, but I think what it's allowed me to do is. Become aware of like when I am battling and just choose not to battle. so there might be a day where I'm like, oh really? You've been overdoing it with sugar lately? You know? And instead of being like, ah, like I'm fat and ugly and terrible, it's to kind of be like, okay, it's just becomes more neutral. It's like, okay, so that's just a thing that's happening and I don't need to pathologize that or feel terrible about that. The other thing I've done just from some different, like, medical issues I've had, I think has given me, an appreciation for my body in some different ways. But I had a c l surgery, I wanna say it was in 2015. But when I was recovering from that, I was seeing a hypnotherapist and we wound up like singing a song to my knee. and it was like every little cell in my body is happy. Every little cell in my body is well. and it was so cute and it was just kind of like a beautiful thing to be like, oh, I'm just like sending love to like parts of my body. And, also realizing, you know, I'm somebody who's more muscular. I've always had really thick muscular thighs. You know, that's not what you see in all the magazines growing up. And so I had kind of had more of a battle with that part of my body, which I've since shifted. Now I'm like, oh yes, I like my strong legs. And having this, uh, medical experience helped me realize that because, It helped me realize like, oh, well now all my muscles are going away because I can't really put weight on my leg. I was like, oh, I really miss them. Like the left leg looks so healthy and muscular and the right leg is like atrophied. and so it kind of helped me realize like, oh wow, like I've spent my whole life like not appreciating my strong legs. And what if I just stopped doing that battle? What if I'm just like, oh, they're great. Let's just roll with it. So now I've applied that to other areas of my body. You know, I think stomach is a common one for a lot of us now. I have like nice chats with my stomach. and it, it does, it brings like a lightheartedness to it and it helps me feel like. It's like me and my body are on the same side, like we're, we're a team. so those, those are some things that I've done. I certainly don't, again, figure, you know, I'm not a weight loss expert, not trying to be. but I do feel like I have a, a better than average body image and I'm very grateful for that. And I think some of my struggles along the way have really helped. Terrific. Now look, let's talk about what you do. So we've covered our standard questions. Yeah. Now let's blow the lid off this puppy here. And what do you do? How do you help people and why is it important? Yeah, that's a great question. So, yeah, you know, typically when people come to me, there are people who are ready into personal growth and personal development on some level, and I help people to explore their sexuality. I. Figure out, you know, who am I as a sexual being? What are my turn-ons? How do I communicate that? And then embracing sexuality is the second part, and then expressing it as the third part. So, really helping people get to a place of authenticity in terms of who they are as a sexual being. There's, you know, so much we've been taught. Is a culture about, you know, what's, what's bad about sex and how men should be with sex and how women should be with sex and how we shouldn't be with sex. You know, and there's kind of all these like unspoken rules or unofficial rules. so to kind of help unlearn a lot of that and get back to more of like just this innate what draws us in and what's exciting and what helps us feel connected and what turns us on, and to just discover that own it. And be able to express it freely and safely. What does that free expression look like for most people and how do they achieve that? Yeah, that's a great question too. I mean, it's, it's different for everybody, and that's part of what I love about my job and why I love that it's not like a one size fits all. so for some people it's gonna look, you know, like. Having sex every couple weeks with their partner. for other people it's gonna be like twice a day, right? So all sorts different frequencies. for some people it's going to look more like. Sensuality and like really leaning into, you know, lighting and, you know, different textures and temperatures and, you know, fragrances and really going into that direction. For other people, it might be more leaning into energy and, you know, exploring tantra. Um, and playing with that and synchronizing breath and things along those lines. For other people it might look more kinky. You know, it's gonna be like, Hey, let's explore power dynamics and taboos and, you know, ways to connect in that realm that are gonna keep things exciting for us. So, um, and for some people it's gonna look monogamous, and for others it's gonna look polyamorous. so it, it really is. Fascinating in that regard that like, everyone's gonna wind up in a pretty different place. And that's part of what I love about it, that it's about finding your spot and what feels right and true to you without judgment, which is, you know, kind of a taller order. Because certainly when I was growing up, it's like, Ooh, don't have sex. You're gonna get pregnant, you're gonna get diseases. This is bad and against what the church teaches you. So really there's a, like a reclaiming process involved there. So someone that might be battling with their sexuality, someone that might be just having a struggle connecting with self. Mm-hmm. What are the steps to take to really find your level? Yeah, so when I think about. That I think about just kind of our own sexual energy and you know, it dovetails a lot with mental health because I think of depression as sort of a dimming of our life force energy and libido tends to also go down with depression. So that kind of makes sense. sex is also literally, How we are all alive. So I do think of sexual energy as life force energy, and so when we're trying to connect to like who we are as a sexual being, you can also just think about what makes you feel vibrant, what makes you feel more alive, what makes you feel more connected? What makes you feel more you? You know, so it could be dancing, it could be playing sports, it could be music, it could be cooking or art or creative expression. But there's so many ways, um, for people to tap into that, that are not overtly sexual. so that's one place for people to kind of start. And then of course, you can go in more of an overtly sexual direction too. Like, what, what turns me on? And I, I talk to people about that. We also tend to go directly to overtly sexual things, but it could also just be flirting, you know? It could be like, telling your partner, oh, you're looking good in those jeans. It could be, planning a date and looking forward to it. It could be sending a sexy picture to your partner during the day. So a lot of things, even without touching it could just be complimenting your partner. and so I think that area is kind of underexplored and. Underrated. Just sort of the suggestive comments and the flirting and the anticipation. And I also think that's something that most of us tend to have when we're dating somebody. But then when we get into a longer term relationship or marriage, that stuff, it's pretty easy to lose it, especially when you're living with somebody. and so it's something we have to be intentional about, you know, and I think some people, are naturally pretty good at that, and other people are kinda like, Ooh, I didn't realize I had to kind of like actively nurture that. So, you know, sometimes it's just reminding people. And then, then there's also exploring like, okay, what are we actually doing when we're having sex and how are we defining sex? And, you know, how do we kind of nurture that in the context of a relationship too? So there's levels in my mind. We've spoken before on the podcast here with the listeners about the five Languages of love. Mm-hmm. And you know, I've stated that mine are physical touch and acts of service. Okay. Now for me, physical touch could just be a hand on my shoulder. Yep. Or you know, it could be a stroke down my back or, yep. I think I'm turning into a cat, actually. I love being stroked. But anyway, as a mom of two cats, uh, so many people think, you know, the physical touch side has to be quite overt and deliberate, but it can just be even holding a hand or Oh yeah. You know, just anything really. So for the people out there that maybe they think, I don't know my love language. I don't know if I want to be touched. I don't know if I want quality time or acts of service. How do you suggest people find kind of their true love languages?'cause you can do the quiz and different things come up every time that you do it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So how do you really find what your, your base is? Yeah. I guess I'll tell you how I found mine a little bit. Sometimes it's just trial and error, right? and mine, mine top one is also physical touch. So totally get that. what I realized is, you know, when I was dating people, sometimes people were affectionate, sometimes people weren't. And when people weren't, and I could tell now I'm just like very finely tuned to it. it felt like I was shriveling inside. It was like, this is like, you know, hydration or something for me on a love level. Whereas it's like without it I'm shriveling. Um, whereas some of the other love languages, like if someone's not buying me a lot of gifts, it's kind of like, oh, okay. It's like, it would be nice if they did, but it's really not the end of the world. Um, so I think it's noticing how do you feel and what are the emotions that come up. And I think a lot of times, Not getting your love language needs met can lead us to feeling kind of anxious or insecure in a relationship. so realizing also that that's not personal and I know a lot of people are with partners, that they're not totally matched up on their love languages. Um, so it is something that can be learned and it is something where you can meet on the middle. And it's also something where you can kind of validate yourself, you know? and learn to take in the love that people are giving you, even if it's in a different language. And that leads me onto my next question for you, which is, how can, when you are looking for a partner or when you have a partner, no matter what sexuality you are, you know what you're looking for, how can you. Really be honest. You know, I think when we are dating, we often think, I won't tell that person what I'm thinking or feeling'cause they might not like me anymore. Yeah. But how do you really be entrenched in a, a deep honesty with whoever you're dating or seeking and with yourself? This is what I need and it's okay if you're offended because that's not my problem. Yeah. And I just wanna validate for people that it is really hard sometimes, you know? And if it's something that you struggle with, that, you know, that's really normal. sometimes we do need to talk to a coach or therapist about it first. Sometimes we need a friend who's gonna be like, come on, you just gotta do it. You could, you know, tell'em how you're really feeling. and I'll just reinforce that. You know, dating is such a special time in that way because we haven't committed to the person for a lifetime yet. We haven't made that decision. And so it's like this real opportunity to be honest and to go in with your eyes wide open. And I think that this is something that I'm seeing. Is improving generation by generation. Like when I have talked to my, my parents are divorced from each other, but when I've talked to my parents about, you know, hey, like how did you guys decide to get married? Like, I dunno, like we had fun and our families liked each other, and I was kinda like, okay, like did you talk about finances? Did you talk about gender roles? Did you talk about, I mean, no, we just kind like hoped it worked out. so I think that that was an example, you know, and they, I think they got engaged after like six months, but, You know, where it's like you gotta take your time, you gotta take your time and get to know someone and have the tough conversations. an example that I had heard from a, a previous employee years ago was it's like, it's like you're climbing up a mountain or like a sheer rock face and you've got this rope that's kind of like holding you and helping you stay safe in case you fall off the side. but sometimes you kind of gotta like tug on the rope to make sure it's secure. It's like if you don't have the conversations, you're not really tugging on the rope and you're just kind of like, well, I've never tested this rope and I just sure hope it's there to save me if I fall off. so it is really important to have the conversations, about what are your emotional needs, what do you need from your partner? And also, I think one thing I wanna really clarify too is like, our partner's not gonna meet all our needs. Like, no one person can meet all our needs, and we don't wanna outsource our happiness to someone else because then we're really actually putting ourselves in victim mode, where it's like my happiness is now dependent on someone else and what mood they're in that day and how they show up. Right? And that's, that's not really a great recipe for success. So realizing that, you know, whoever your partner is, however they're showing up, You're still responsible for your own happiness and you're your own primary support. And they can be a secondary support and they can be like an amazing secondary support, but kind of the idea that we don't need to be codependent. And I think the way love is portrayed in, you know, movies and TV and the media in general is like pretty codependent. You know, like, this person's gonna save you and this person's your other half and this person's gonna like, make you happy. but like the truth is like, you're gonna make you happy. You're gonna do that work and build security within yourself and then be able to just have a really great time with your partner. And, and if you have two people that can do that, then you're actually gonna have more to give and you're gonna be able to really show up for each other on a deep level. Because it's not being driven by insecurity and, and looking for outside validation. I think that's a great distinction that you have to be okay in yourself because no one else is going to complete you. You do. Yes, absolutely. Wow. Is there anything we haven't discussed so far that you feel the listeners might need to hear today? Hmm. Yeah, I would like to share that. Whatever you're like sexually, you know, whether you are, kinky or gay or pansexual or transgender or in an open relationship, whatever you identify with, just know that like you are exactly how you're supposed to be and you are normal and you know, that is healthy. I think there's so much fear because of the messages we've gotten. So many of us come from, communities or families that are not that open-minded or not that accepting, that we can all carry a lot of shame, about how we are and who we are, and that, that just prevents us from experiencing our authenticity, our joy from being, The best you that you can be, basically. and I think from finding a partnership, you know, to your point, magic about finding a partnership that is really in alignment for who you truly are and not just who you think you should be. Great. Now before I let you go, we love freebies here. We always offer the listeners freebies and uh, yeah. What can you offer the listeners and where can they find that? Yeah, I love freebies too. so they can find that in my website. My website is heather shannon.co. so it's not a.com. just.co. And I have a freebies page. So I have a Mojo magic free guidebook to help people who are struggling with libido to understand, you know, maybe why did your libido drop off? How can you get it back? That's, uh, a particular issue where, It can be complex. You know, there can be a lot of pieces to the puzzle. So that book can get you started in the right direction with that. and then I also have a, sex for Empaths checklist. So for people who identify, as, you know, being very sensitive to other people's energies, um, And very empathic. This is just sort of a guide to like help you stay grounded when you're making decisions about, you know, having sex with somebody. and really reinforces the points that we just talked about. Magic about like, showing up for yourself, and not outsourcing that and having healthy boundaries around sex. So, um, yeah, so they can check out those on the freebies page, and, you know, start moving in the right direction with their sex life. Fantastic. I've really loved this chat and I really hope the listeners got as much out of it as I did, Some parting words, apart from discovering your sexuality, your libido, and your alignment, how do you connect with your true self? Yeah, so one of the methods that I am trained in is called Internal Family Systems, and we talk a lot about leading from self energy. And so your true self energy, and this is the case for all of us, is calm, confident, creative. Wise, playful, intuitive. So just like all these wonderful qualities and all the other stuff, you know, anxiety and anger and insecurity, those are considered to be our parts and not who we truly are at the core, at the deepest level. Um, So starting to understand that we can work with our parts, we can befriend our parts, we can ask the parts to step aside at times, so that we can really allow that self energy to be our internal leader, to help us feel super secure in ourselves and to guide the parts in taking action instead of the. The parts taking over. So I hope that makes sense, but it's an amazing method and, I do a lot of parts work, uh, with myself, do a lot of parts, work with clients. That's, you know, had an amazing impact and, to me that method just really feels like truth. Great. Now listeners, you can find heather@www.heathershannon.co, so that's h e a t h e r s h A n n o n.co. I really do urge you jump onto those freebies there. Absolutely. Fantastic. Very generous. Heather, thank you so much for your time today. Thank you. Magic. Thank you for your time too, and thank you. Audience and listeners, thank you so much for your time. As always, please share our podcast, leave us a review. Ask us a question on our Facebook page at a Magical Life podcast, and we will bring you what you want to learn, what you want to hear, and how you want to grow. For now, go forth and create your magical life.