Toxic Family Traits and Overcoming Them with Susan Gold

In this episode of A Magical Life, Magic Barclay hosts Susan Gold, an author, consultant coach, and trauma transformation master. Susan shares her emotional journey captured in her memoir, "Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom." We will explore the impact of addictive behaviors in parents, the significance of emotional and spiritual health, and redefining wealth beyond finances. Susan imparts valuable advice on overcoming eating disorders and navigating difficult family conversations. Stay tuned for a transformative exercise from Susan's workbook and insights into her book's creation.

Learn more about Susan at https://www.susangold.us/

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Transcript

Magic Barclay: 0:42

Welcome back to A Magical Life. I'm your host, Magic Barclay. And today, Susan Gold joins us. Susan is an author, consultant coach, and master at trauma transformation. Her memoir, Toxic Family, Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom, is the trajectory of that journey. And there is so much more to talk about with Susan. Welcome.

Susan Gold: 1:10

Hey, Magic. Nice to be here.

Magic Barclay: 1:13

So nice to have you here. Now, before I jump into the standard three questions, we've just been chatting off air, and I want to acknowledge that addictive behaviors in parents may not immediately mirror in the children, but raising children with addictive behaviors. Creates the possibility for more. What are your thoughts on that, Susan?

Susan Gold: 1:43

Well, I was terrified to become a parent having grown up with one whom I perceived as an alcoholic. And my mother had a blistering food addiction. So I didn't want to pass all that down the line. I didn't want to pass the toxicity and the abuse. That I experienced and I really thought seven times about becoming a parent. Oh my gosh, magic. I was 42 when I got pregnant and I was 43 when I popped my son out naturally. It was 10 hours door to door. but, um, I really feel like he's able to become his own authentic human being because I did everything I could to give him a steady, stable, even platform. And I gave him a heads up that addiction, it all runs in our family, beware. So I'm hoping that I put the plug in the jug, so to speak. But the jury is still out. He's 19 now, finishing college in three years instead of four.

Magic Barclay: 2:51

I love that. And I did the same with my boys. I said, Hey, look, you know, mum's had these issues. There's been other issues in our family. Doesn't mean they have to be your issues. So I'm going to just pop a pin in that for now. And we're going to come back to that. I ask all of my guests the same three questions and everyone gives me A vast array of answers. So your first one is, what can your expertise do to accelerate health? Not just the physical, but also emotional and spiritual health.

Susan Gold: 3:26

Well, I really feel magic that I picked an interesting trajectory coming in and I feel like this planet is a huge school room for learning and an incredible opportunity for soul evolution. And maybe I'll read the fine print a little more carefully next time I come around, but I really feel my, my experience can benefit others. I, I was reluctant to really put it out there. but I've traversed quite a bit of muckety muck, as they say, and really now seen it from this new perspective as the challenges and challengers as actual opportunities for transformation and blessing these players in my life, including my family. I actually. still have a relationship with all of them. and I'm grateful and I respect particularly my parents and what they experienced and what they brought to the table.

Magic Barclay: 4:32

Great. Now our next standard question is around wealth. People think wealth is just the financial and certainly with addictive personalities in a family, wealth can be the make or break. It can be the driver, it can be It's the thing holding people back. What are your top three tips to creating wealth? Not just this financial driver, but also emotional and personal wealth. I want to say

Susan Gold: 5:01

relax into it. There's so much pressure. There was pressure for all of us to perform and perform well and multitask. And I, I think it's. It's almost become an illness within certainly our culture and society here in the United States. but I have to say that just allowing myself to feel free, to really feel that ease. And that well being and to trust that I have a whole team that's rooting for me has really made a huge difference. And I've been very competitive. I was an endurance athlete. but I have to say that people would look at me sideways in the, in the television studios when I was a producer, because I just share information because I feel like the more I share and the more I open up. The more it comes back and that's really what's been true and I've lived a very abundant life as a result.

Magic Barclay: 6:13

I love that. Okay. Final standard question. Have you ever battled your weight? If so, how did you win the war? And what can you offer the listeners who may be going through this? Magic

Susan Gold: 6:27

first, I want to say, love your body. This is the only earth suit you have. And while right now, I'm what some would say is petite and fit, I had a hellacious relationship with food. My mother pit my sister and I against each other and projected her issues our way. I was. Monitoring every morsel I would put in and then I was acting out. I had Oreos coming out of my nose at six years old. I was completely addicted to food. It was the way that I found a false sense of safety. Security and love. And it was also oddly a way to express my anger. I'd find myself eating at someone. So once I realized what I was doing to myself and slowed that rat on the hamster wheel. That was my central nervous system through all types of modalities, meditation and all types of therapies, mostly somatic. So those going into my body and really experiencing what was going on internally and examining my feelings and my, my woe to really let that up and out. I was able to get to a place with food where I could say, is this the most loving action I can take? Will this really feel good after I down this burger and fries and then have some ice cream on top of it? Or would I really rather have a salad and self soothing came in a new canister. It's, it's an ongoing process. But I have real freedom from what was horrible addiction. As it pertains to food and health,

Magic Barclay: 8:42

I just want to touch on that, that some people use food as a coping mechanism without realizing that it can become a prison. How would you suggest, and we'll touch more on this in, in depth in a moment with your family, but how would you suggest that people step away from food as something and just see it for what it is, being food?

Susan Gold: 9:13

For me, I really had to learn to eat. So I had to work with a professional to learn how to nurture my body. I really didn't understand. What that was. I really tended to go with the latest fad. and for a long while I would not let a piece of anything that came to its name that had eyes and a face. I just I wouldn't eat it. And ultimately, that wasn't what was healthy for me. So the 1st thing that I think is helpful to. Sort of stifle or slow the issue enough so you can take a look is start to see how your relationship with food really is and then Get appropriate help to find a way to nurture Yourself and love yourself. I mean, I fell down over and over. I still do fall down and I just try to love myself and talk to that little wee one inside my heart. That's been through it all. That's walked through it all and just let her know. I love you. It's going to be okay. And we're going to do this together. I love you.

Magic Barclay: 10:42

That's a really important message. Thank you. Now, Susan, let's talk about your book. How did it come to be and why is it about such a, I guess, a taboo topic?

Susan Gold: 11:01

It is a taboo topic, Magic. I didn't, I didn't think I had that book in me quite honestly. It's, it surprised me a bit. Um, I was told in 2007 by an Irish seer, I had a book to write and I poo pooed it. And then two more intuitives back to back told me the same. And the last one said, you have three books to write. And I thought, okay, I got to nip this in the bud before I'm writing some kind of library. But yeah, I wasn't really, um, that drawn to writing a book, but I, I was told that, that it would be my legacy and it would help others. And that I did have a lot to share. You know, I didn't think that my story was that much. Different. but I'm coming to understand the way that I'm sharing from my gut and from my heart and with integrity and honesty and openness and vulnerability. I do have a special message. I think a lot of us have at least one toxic family member talk tucked in there somewhere. And like I said, I have love for my family members, but there was a lot of mixed up stuff in. the lineage, and it just continually was played out and played out so I was, I was really glad to sit down and, and sort of piece together what I had worked on for decades. I mean, I've been in recovery for a long time, and I had worked in so many different. arena. So I had a lot to share. I'm, I'm proud to say there's, there's an appendix, which is a workbook and it's actual exercises that helped me walk through some of the things that I have walked through and it's actually helping other people.

Magic Barclay: 12:55

Right. So tell us about the book. Tell us what it is. It means to you, I guess, to share this message and particularly around toxic families. So

Susan Gold: 13:07

as the, as the publishing date got closer, I got a little more frightened, but I kept telling myself, look, this is, this is your truth. And. I was always told don't, don't talk, don't feel and don't you dare tell. So this was a big outing. I spent a year practically 15 minutes a day at the computer magic. I'm like embarrassed to say I went at it like a bulldog producer. And I did have a manuscript at that end of But that year period, but I didn't feel connected. And then a wise person said, go back and go through it from little Susie's point of view. And that's when it, when it really came together. All the puzzle pieces came together. I understood why I was in the middle of that. The five children, I have three brothers and a sister. I understood why we all have a very different scenario of what it was like to grow up in that household. I had a profound respect for my parents and the walk. They walked and. Just putting my personal and professional trajectory down in written form and really telling the story visually and with Gristle has been profoundly healing and, and not just for me.

Magic Barclay: 14:40

I know when I wrote one of my books, I shared, you know, some of my family history in there. And there was a little bit of a backlash, you know, I gave the people that were mentioned a heads up. There was a little bit of a backlash of, you know. Don't talk, don't, don't say it, it never happened, don't put it out there. Did you have anything like that to deal with? And the reason I ask this is many of the listeners may be dealing with, you know, toxic family members that are doing that don't ask, don't tell kind of thing in order to, I guess, numb themselves from what's going on. Have you had to have those difficult conversations and how did you handle them? My sister

Susan Gold: 15:30

was shocked. she was silent. They all knew I was writing a book, but they didn't really know what the subject matter was. And my sister said, you know, we all have different interpretations. And I understand why you see it the way you do. my oldest brother is totally like an amnesia victim when it comes to our childhood. And so he just, he doesn't understand it. It's like a complete disconnect. My baby brother was disappointed. He thought it was going to be a celebrity tell all just because of my, you know, My business background, I, I had the privilege of working with a lot of household names. So he was, just shocked, but he's reading it now. and with an open heart, honestly, it's serving to bring us. In a more open dialogue and authentic conversation and ultimately magic, I think it's going to lead to some healing all the way around, but it takes a great amount of bravery to stand up and say, this is this is my experience of it. And I was very careful to say this was my experience. Of this circumstance growing up in this particular family, in this particular arena. And this was my experience in professional relationships. And this was my experience with my greatest guru, who was the man who would become my ex husband.

Magic Barclay: 17:08

Okay. So recently I sat down with my mother. And we hashed out a few things from our past. And when I brought up things that had triggered my lifelong roller coaster of eating disorders, she was like, not that that didn't happen because she used to say, no, that never happened this time. She was more accepting and she was, you know, like, well, I don't remember that. Now I look at your history and you've had, you know, half a decade of different eating disorders, so there must be something there. So I'm glad I was able to have that chat with her and that she finally be open and accepting that this is what I remember and this is now what's happened. There may be some people out there that have aging family members and they might be listening right now and Thinking, well, you know, wow, I wish I could get that truth out there. So it would be received, not denied, not validated, just received to stop that cycle of trauma. What do you say to people that maybe don't feel they can begin that conversation?

Susan Gold: 18:26

It's a really tough one. there's sexual abuse between my oldest brother and myself. He, he used me almost like a lab rat when he was going through puberty. And from what I understand, this is rather typical, in dysfunctional, uh, Households, but it was what was happening in my own and I did so much work, in therapy. And I worked in a group of survivors for over two years before I finally wrote a letter that I did not send to him. But what I did do was I saw him in person and I was able to talk with him face to face And he said, well, that didn't happen, but if it did happen, here's why it happened. And I just had to put the pieces together as best I could and can for myself, because I still have PTSD around him. I still have. Inklings of trauma and I still have fear. I find myself wanting to cower. I don't see him that often, but I also have a lot of love for him and a lot of compassion that's bloomed at the same time because I now understand the kind of trauma he was experiencing to black it out. And I also see The pain that he is carrying being so shut down to all of this. So that's the first thing I would say is take your time, work with a professional or someone that you really trust that's, that's been through the issue and honor yourself. It's not something to be taken lightly. and let your heart lead you.

Magic Barclay: 20:28

Thank you. Now we've covered a fair bit in a short amount of time. What's something we haven't discussed that you feel the listeners need to hear?

Susan Gold: 20:38

Wow, I love that question, Magic, and I don't think I don't think anyone has asked me that question. I'm so bowled over. Um, if we could, I would love to do a little exercise that's in the workbook, because I think it would be a nice gift for your listeners. And it certainly has been a tool that I used. And I see. still use. And maybe they can use it and pass it along too. So if you could just take a deep breath and then take a hand, any hand, place it on your solar plexus, which is right at the top of your rib cage and below your breastbone. And then just either silently to yourself or even out loud, I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm really okay. I'm really okay. And that's what I'd like to to pass along and leave with the listeners. You can do it in meetings, you can do it in doctor's waiting rooms, you can do it in the bathroom before you start your day. It's just helped me so much come back in to my sweet human being who's doing the best to trudge this road that's not always pleasant. But there's so much beauty in it all. So that's what I would leave them with and say.

Magic Barclay: 22:32

That is a beautiful exercise. Thank you. And listeners, I just want to remind you, I've spoken about it before. Your body has one job and that is to keep you safe. The more you perceive that you're not okay, the more your body systems go on alert and create a scenario just to keep you safe. So this little exercise is Absolutely perfect to stop you from jumping into sympathetic dominance to keep you more in a rest and digest state of happiness and safety. So thank you, Susan. That was beautiful. Thank you, Magic. Okay. We have covered a lot. Remind us again what your book is called and where can people find it?

Susan Gold: 23:22

The book is called Toxic Family, transforming childhood trauma into adult freedom. And you can find it at Amazon, Barnes and Nobles. It's in bookstores globally. Beautiful.

Magic Barclay: 23:37

Now, you've already given us a freebie, but we love freebies. So what are, what else have you got for us to share here with the listeners?

Susan Gold: 23:47

If you feel inclined, go to my website. It's Susan Gold Us and there's an audio snippet from the book and there's um, a way that you can be in touch'cause I would love to hear your story.

Magic Barclay: 24:02

Beautiful. So that's www.susangold.us. Susan, thank you for your time on our podcast today.

Susan Gold: 24:13

It was lovely being here. Thank you magic. And thanks to your listeners.

Magic Barclay: 24:18

And listeners, thank you for your time. Don't forget to like, review, subscribe, and share with the people that you love, even the people that you don't love, because maybe they'll get something out of the podcast. And for now, go forth and create your magical life.