Helping Young People Navigate Relationships and Strong Feelings

The responsibilities of being a parent don't end with making sure your kids are fed and clothed, nor do they end when your children reach a certain age. One of the most important things we do as parents is to help them learn how to manage their emotions, especially when navigating relationships. 

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:42

Welcome back to a Magical Life. I'm your host, magic Barclay, and today we're talking about helping young people navigate relationships and strong feelings. Now, disclaimer here, I'm going to talk about one of my kids, and yes, I have his permission to do so. So. Buckle up, let's go. Feelings. What are they? Feelings are complicated. That's what they are. Feelings are messages from our limbic brain, so the center of our brain taking information from our reptilian brain, which is at the base, at the amygdala, and the reptilian brain tells us if we are safe or not. So. Information comes from there to our limbic brain where we have the emotions form. Now that's fine if you're an adult and you can handle your emotions, but our young people often cannot. So babies will have, and toddlers will have tantrums'cause they don't understand emotions and big, strong feelings. When they're little kids, they might act up. When they're teens, they might rebel. They might be angry when they're young adults. All of a sudden they're thrown into the adult world and they're still having big, big feelings and then throw in the first relationships. And this can be a really, really confusing time for our young ones. And so today I really wanna talk about through those life stages. And in two young adulthood, how can we as parents, how can we, as leaders of our families and of our communities, how can we be supportive without overbearing? How can we be guiding without being judgmental? And how can we navigate or help our young people navigate through that? You know we have to do that too, so let's get into it. Babies and toddlers. Now babies and toddlers don't understand what's going on. Their limbic brain is working just the same as US adults, but they really don't get it. But they're at the boundary stages. They're learning their boundaries. They're learning what behavior is acceptable and what is not, and where to draw the line. As parents, it's our job to guide them. It's also our job not to react to them. Now, easier said than done, when you've got a toddler that's pushing your buttons and you are so done with that, it can be really hard, but we need to try not to react negative. In fact, we need to, at that time, dig deep and be role models because they are sponges soaking everything up and learning from us. So babies and toddlers, let them feel the feelings. Try not to react. And if you do need to react, take yourself out of the situation and help them learn boundaries. They're learning how to form. Friendships at that stage. It may be at kindergarten, it may be at daycare. It may be in community care. It may just be in the home with older or younger children and with pets and with yourself and your partner. But they need to learn. Let them learn. Young kids. Well young kids, they're getting their first waves of hormones coming through, setting them up to be pre-teens, and they're often in their first big social situations, be it school homeschool groups. Be it community groups, be it sports, they are finally thrust into a community, and this is hard for them because they don't even know who they are yet, let alone navigating 20 or 30 other little personalities. Not to mention all those other little personalities have parents too who may or may not be exhibiting. Good behavior. They may be responding to what's going on. They may not have a grasp on their little one's. Emotions. So again, boundaries. This is a time of learning. These little walking sponges need to know what they can do, what they can't do. It's very important, especially in this day and age, that we commit ourselves as parents to helping our young ones, because guess what? Before the age of seven, most of your feelings are starting to develop most of what you are learning, of fitting into a group behaving. Being a good person is forming before the age of seven. So in this childhood phase, we really need to provide safety for them. We need to provide understanding, we need to provide support. We need to just provide good role models. And if that's not possible in your family, I get it. If you are the only good role model for them in a sea of. Waste, and I'm going to say waste because I don't wanna call people names, but you need to be the shining beacon for your kids going into pre-teens. Well, you know, their bodies are changing. Their minds are changing. They're starting to form independence, and you need to go with the flow now. I will let you know I am an A Grade helicopter. Mummy always was, probably always will be, but instead of me just doing everything for my kids, I let them explore, especially when it comes to emotions, thoughts, and feelings, because I'm not always gonna be. So I need to make sure that they know how to self-regulate. I need to make sure that they know what is acceptable in society and what they need to accept or deny for themselves. Past preteens, we are going right into puberty. So yeah, wild ride, isn't it? Any parents out there shaking their heads nodding yes, it's wild, but do you know what? This is the time that you can start being their friend. This is the time that you can start guiding them, and this is the time where they start looking to you more as a peer than a parent. Now, you do still need to parent them. I will let you know that they still need to be pulled back into line and they still need boundaries because. A teen with no boundaries becomes a street criminal, a thug, a really nasty person, and that then affects the rest of society. It's not up to schools to teach your children what's right and what's wrong. It's not up to the police to teach your children what's right or what's wrong. That's your job. That is probably your most important job to make your young people functioning well, respectful members of the community. And if you are not prepared to do that, find someone that will for them, an auntie, an uncle, a family friend who's got kids the same age. If you can't put yourself there to be with your kids, you make sure they've got the support they need. Because guess what? A thug on the street with a weapon, a young thug, that's a parental failure. I will be controversial and I will say that. All right. Back to the happy stuff though. So now we've gone through puberty and our young ones are starting to become young adults. Your job's not over as a parent because now they're having first relationships. And I'm going to give you an example and yes, I do have his permission. Just a reminder, my young fella had a girlfriend. Same age as him, same values as him. Also, we thought every conversation was leading towards permanency in a relationship. They were talking marriage, they were talking kids, they were talking where they're going to live. They were talking everything. And then something changed and she started talking more and more about her work. Talking less and less with him about them and not prioritizing their time together. And he came to me for advice because we're friends and he asked me what I would do and I said, listen, I'm going to tell you I am not the best person with relationships. My own track record isn't fantastic, but. If you feel this relationship is not going 50 50 on its way forward and that you are doing all the heavy lifting, you need to say something. So he did. I've always taught my kids to stand up for what they believe in and to my dying day, I will be teaching them that. So he did. He had a conversation with the young lady and realized that. She wanted the kids, but she didn't necessarily want the marriage and for his values that is important to him. So I congratulate him for staying true to his values, for doing what he feels right. I will say they are still very close and they still talk nearly every single day in his mind. The doors likely closed to a relationship now, but they split being respectful, staying friends, and holding similar values. In many ways, that's a healthy breakup. I only wish I'd done that when I was his age. I mean, let's be honest, he's got a lifelong friend now. He's talking about, you know, when they're both parents with other partners. Now their kids will have friends and you know, I really applaud him on standing up for what he believes in. And I think as parents, this is what we need to do. We need to encourage our young people to not only stay true to their values, their core beliefs, but to not accept. Anyone that comes along because of scarcity, because of, I will never find the right person if I don't snap this one up. And I think we really, really need to help them navigate this Now, the emotions involved in this breakup, yes, he was sad. And I will tell you, I was getting angry. I very nearly messaged this girl and said, you are hurting my kid. Watch it, but I didn't. I respected the boundaries. I put my helicopter mama hat aside for a minute and I said to myself, how can I support my young man here? How can I support him? So he learns valuable lessons from this, and so he can move with powerful tools into the future. But without overstepping my bounds. And I let him know, I'm here for you. I'm here to support you, but I'm not gonna run your life for you. He appreciated that. Now we talk about a lot of things, more about relationships than we ever did, really, and I know he'll make healthy choices, and I said to him. My choices in relationships have not been as healthy. I applaud you for this and I'm so proud of you for this. So moving forward with your young people, your job as a parent will never end. And if you think it does, you are in a dreamland because I can tell you, even into my elderly years, I will still be parenting my boys. Because they need that. They always need that support system. They always need that shoulder to lean on. They always need that. You know, can I pick your brain for a minute and just get your opinion? They're not necessarily going to take everything that you say and run with it. They will listen and they will balance and weigh things up and really play to their own strengths and values. If. You teach them to do so. So to all the parents out there that are wondering, how do I parent my child into the future, I say, you need to do it with grace. You need to do it with ease. You need to do it with respect. You need to do it with understanding, and you need to do it holistically. So you are parenting them to guide them in their health. You are parenting them to guide them in their relationships. You are parenting them to guide them through community. When you take your foot off that pedal, things can go very wrong. And to all the parents that took their foot off the pedal way too early, it's never too late to get that kid back. It's never too late to say, do you know what? This is what I think is right, and here's why you shouldn't be doing what you're doing. Don't just say don't do it. Give them reasons, give'em explanations, but give them options as well. My young man listened to what I had to say. He stood very true to his values. Now he has a lifelong friend in this young lady, and that's good. That's great, and that's healthy. And he's not just snapping the first girl up just in case someone else doesn't come along. Because you know what? He's got a good friend in himself. He's got a good friend in his brother, and he's got a good friend in me and as parents. This is part of how we help young people navigate relationships and strong feelings. We lead by example. We admit our mistakes, and we teach and give options. Thank you for listening to this episode. I felt it was a very important one to say, and as always, please like, subscribe, share, and review this podcast and jump on to Facebook at a Magical Life podcast. Tell us what else you want to hear about. We're recording this in a time of turmoil, a time of community breakdown, and as parents. We have to take responsibility. We have to help navigate with our kids through these relationships and strong feelings. Thank you again for listening. Go forth and create your magical life.